


C-Sec Nine-Nine

by Shermanshire



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: A side of mystery, Aliens, Alternate Universe - Detectives, Alternate Universe - No Reapers, Brooklyn Nine-Nine AU, C-Sec, Crack?, Fluff, How Do I Tag, Humor, Multi, Resolved Sexual Tension, Sexual Tension, Shenanigans, Some Romance, Stupidity, Tali is bae, haha - Freeform, office life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-15
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-05-23 21:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14941907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shermanshire/pseuds/Shermanshire
Summary: C-Sec Nine-Nine was hardly respected on the Citadel but they had the best damn detectives on the entire space station. Sure, they acted like man children in the office, but when it came to solving crime they got the job done. When their new Captain takes over the sector, Captain Anderson, some pretty big changes ensue, but that doesn't stop the clusterfuck that is C-Sec 99!





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Never wrote for Mass Effect, but I knew if I did it'd be AU. Please excuse my spelling errors, if any, and enjoy!

"Morning everyone,” Shepard greeted groggily as she stepped into C-Sec 99’s office.

A chorus of grunts and slurred ‘mornings’ replied sorrowfully as she made her way to her desk. Yesterday had been a long day; they’d just wrapped up a murder case that’d been the biggest pain in Shepard’s ass since joining the 99. Some dick decided harvesting organs from living subjects would be great business sense (in reality it was but it was also disgusting). In the end though, they never caught the man. He got off the Citadel with a few hostages leaving moral low.

“Varvara, took you long enough to get in,” Muttered Garrus from across her desk.

She glared at him and allowed her stack of datapads to drop onto her desk with a slam. Some heads turned but they all lost interest instantly when they realized the source. This happened often between the two, a workplace rivalry neither of the two were willing to drop.

 _Who got in earlier today, who solved the most cases this month, who ate the most donuts today?_ The list of things they fought over went on and on. At this point, no one really knew what they were striving to achieve. By default, you’d suspect it to be best detective, but last anyone checked fighting over which person had the most kills in ‘Return of Blasto’ didn’t have anything to do with it.

“Vakarian,” Shepard replied curtly as she plopped down into her squeaky office chair.

They sent one another a quick glare before they heard the office’s tec expert groan from half way across the room.

“Will you two just fuck already! I’m getting tired of this tension! It’s ruining my morning Dextro-friendly coffee!” Tali shouted as she pointed dejectedly towards her unfinished coffee cup.

“Tali, it’s too early in the morning to be using the fuck word, calm down!” Shouted Sergeant Nihlus from the break room, a pink bowl of Blasto cereal cradled in his two hands.   

Tali whirled her hands around in mid air as a means of substituting her masked expression. She turns her back on her fellow office members and continues to make her special coffee (it was actually a brown colored juice that everyone keeps telling her is coffee) in the little kitchenette.

The room goes dead silent, already aware of the pandemonium that was about to ensue.

“Me?! Fuck him?! Never in my life have I ever been so insulted!” Shepard yells as she points at her partner, who is sitting rather uncomfortably across from her.

Garrus shifts back and forth in his office chair, already having been through this argument countless times before. He wasn’t sure how Shepard still had the energy to get angry over something like this, Tali had already told her this at least 10 times in the past week.

But who’s counting anymore anyways?

“Shepard,” Kaiden, the voice of reason, begins impatiently, “You have been insulted by this plenty of times, 16 if I’m correct actually.”

“Congrats Alenko, didn’t think you had it in you to count past the number 10,” Ashley stated offhandedly, her eyes never leaving her terminal.

Kaiden sucks in a long breath as he channels all his strength to not biotically chuck his partner across the room. “Anyways, getting worked up over it is only going to make Tali continue to say it, maybe you should-“

Shepard huffs as she swivels her chair in the direction of the smoking area, her middle finger stuck high in the air as does so. Garrus laughs, Nihlus rolls his eyes, Tali is absolutely ecstatic over the fact her morning coffee will no longer be interrupted, and Kaiden is just as disappointed as the last time this happened.

When the door slides shut behind Shepard and her chair (yes, she took it with her as she refuses to get up from her chair once she sits in it unless strictly necessary) Kaiden turns to Sergeant Nihlus and frowns.

“Sir, as our current commanding officer, shouldn’t you at least attempt to keep some sense of order in the office?” Kaiden asks, his voice obtaining an edge of anger and total exhaustion.

Nihlus looks up from his datapad and raises the detective a brow plate, “Alenko you are well aware of what happened last time I attempted to, as you say, keep some sense of order, correct?”

Kaiden pauses as a wave of nostalgia rushes over him. It was his first day at the 99, if he is remembering correctly. Shepard and Garrus had been partners for at least a year by then when he first met them. They had a normal co-worker relationship back then, and he never saw them argue even once.

            -A few years ago-

“Hey Vakarian, what happened to my coffee mug?” Shepard hollered from the brake room.

Kaiden had worked with plenty of Turians by the time he came to the 99, so he liked to believe, back then, that he had their expressions down pat. That perception went out the window when he saw Garrus’s face. Turians had stiff features and had little room to express themselves in human terms, so he really had no idea what to base the Turian’s face off of besides _“I am so completely and utterly fucked.”_

It was a sinister mix of contempt and guilt that Kaiden watched melt into horror on Garrus’ face and it made him a bit nervous. Kaiden wasn’t sure if the nervousness stemmed from what he imagined Shepard’s reaction to be or what Garrus had actually done.

When it was clear Garrus wasn’t going to reply, Shepard came sauntering out of the brake room in her signature navy blue button down and neatly ironed ebony skirt.

“Garrus,” She began but she was quickly cut off by Garrus’ guilt ridden confession.

“I smashed the mug by mistake, I thought it was Ashley’s.” Garrus pauses, his mandibles twitching as he adds, nervously, “They ar- were very similar shades of pink.”

Ashley curses at him from across the room, but it is quickly drowned out by the buzzing noise erupting from Shepard’s biotics.

“You what?!” She yelled.

The kitchenette’s mini microwave explodes as a side effect from Shepard’s biotics activating and the cries of Joker can be heard as he laments over his ‘best friend’ EDI. That guy seemed to have a thing for naming household appliances.

Garrus and Shepard continued to bicker with one another as the latter’s biotics continued to wreak mayhem across the 99’s office. Kaiden watched dumbfounded as Sergeant Nihlus, who had been sleeping the entire time in the brake room, came out and plopped down at this desk all the while acting like a biotic was not currently destroying the 99.

It only interested him when Shepard almost tipped over his snow globe (it had a mini Milky Way inside that changed colors). His brow plates shot upwards and a shrill shriek escaped his mouth plates when he fumbled for the offending object. He held it close to his armored chest and searched the room for Shepard, eyes narrowing at the sight of her.

“Shepard, I am ordering you to stop this childish fit at once!” He commanded, his voice stern and intimidating.

Kaiden flinched, completely unaware that’d be the first and last time he’d hear the Turian yell in such a way.

Whether Shepard didn’t care or just didn’t understand what he was commanding was hard to say, but all she did in return was glare and with a flick of her finger, she destroyed the man’s most prized possession, the snow globe. Nihlus wailed and fell to the tiled floor, helplessly picking up the pieces of, what Kaiden thought to be, the shittiest snow globe in the world.

The bickering continued for another 10 minutes before Shepard settled down enough to smoke. Arguments like that always seemed to end with Shepard taking the longest smoke brake on the damn Citadel. Kaiden wasn’t complaining then nor now, that woman knew how to cause trouble with just a look and if it took a quick smoke to fix that then who was Kaiden to judge? Besides, trying to end those troubles was a whole other issue that Kaiden despised intervening in, even if he did it constantly.

            -Present-

Kaiden purses his lips and wilts when he can’t think of a retort. “Still, it just doesn’t seem right,” He says weakly as he walks back towards his desk, slumping in his chair the moment his ass meets the battered material.

Nihlus shrugs and Joker laughs. “Kaiden, just give up. Varvara is a war machine and last I checked Nihlus is on her constant shit list!” Joker states from his wheelchair, which was currently parked in front of the copier machine.

Nihlus huffs in reply and continues his paper work as the office begins to settle down, that is, until Tali comes racing back in. Tali nearly slips as she enters through the long entrance corridor from the restrooms, her body movements erratic. She holds a calendar in her hand and yells for everyone’s attention.

“Guys! I forgot to tell you today is the day our new Captain is coming in!” She squeals.

There is a moment of complete and utter silence as everyone processes this new information. The 99’s VI stopped working last year so they’ve been relying on Tali for updates, such as this. Unfortunately, she is a very forgetful Quarian and it hasn’t done the office many wonders.

Then chaos ensues. Nihlus shrieks an octave higher than usual when stressed and races towards the brake room. He yells something about ‘cereal all over this bitch’ and slams the door shut behind them. Ashley becomes frazzled as she rushes to shut whatever tab she had opened on her terminal and Kaiden begins to organize the clusterfuck that is his desk.

Garrus sighs and heads over to the kitchenette to make himself a coffee and Tali rushes into the Captain’s office to clean it up a bit. Shepard is still outside and Joker seems to take it upon himself to get her back inside and share the bad news. Within minutes Shepard is rushing back to her desk and dumping out drawers of guns, thermal clips, and biotic amps.

Joker laughs and wheels back over to his desk, already having been well aware of Shepard’s secret stash beforehand. How could she possibly amount such an arsenal without a little help? Garrus, on the other hand, watches in shock as Varvara continues to empty what seems like a never-ending gun collection. He stares in silence until the very last thermal clip falls to the floor and is, in all honestly, a bit impressed.

His mandibles go slack as she attempts, and fails, to pick up the 50 some weapons strewn across the floor. Since everyone else in the office is currently occupied with something or other (besides Joker because he is to busy laughing his ass off) Garrus, begrudgingly, volunteers himself and rushes over to help.

Varvara mutters a breathless ‘thanks’ as she bolts towards the weapons’ locker, hands filled with biotic amps. Praying the guns aren’t loaded, Garrus does the same and follows her in stride. Simultaneously Kaiden drops half his desk’s contents on the floor and Ashley still has yet to close all the tabs she opened on the extranet. From the break room people can still hear Nihlus’ screeches and Tali has finally begun the abysmal task of vacuuming (the vacuum is currently broken).

Within ten minutes of the initial freak out the office is still a disaster, if not worse. Thanks to the constant trips between the main office and weapon locker as well as everyone else’s current dilemma at their desks no one seems to notice Liara and another man enter from the elevator.

“And as I’ve said before, sir, this office is well equipped with the most competent detectives from their respected speci-,” She is abruptly cut off by the stench of what seemed to be decaying varren and gasoline.

Her previously cheery demeanor falls into dread as she takes in the office. She leaves these people for a whole hour and it already looks like a warzone. Shepard’s not so secret weapon stash is piled on the floor, Kaiden is valiantly failing at cleaning out his desk (which is the source of the stench), Ashley is aggressively tapping her terminal and closing what Liara presumes to be gossip cites, and Tali is stress drinking again inside the Captain’s office.

The Sergeant seems to be absent but if her hearing is right then he must be having a fit in the brake room for the third time this week and Joker is currently laughing his ass off. Liara begins to shake with barely contained rage. She takes in a few deep breaths, calms herself, and turns to the new Captain and plasters on the sincerest smile she can muster.

“I apologize Captain Anderson,” She begins but Anderson holds up a hand signaling her to stop.

She gulps and nods staring out forlornly at the 99’s office. Liara was over 100-years-old and she has never seen an office filled with such incompetent, childish, and absolutely amazing detectives in her life time. Her mother was right, she should have gone to college for anthropology, not criminal justice.

Anderson walks amongst the chaos with an air of indifference, sending glances to each detective as he passes. No one has noticed him yet and by the time he makes it to his soon to be office, Joker has finally stopped laughing himself into an ass fracture. Joker, the Captain’s secretary, looks over to him and his jaw drops.

“Captain Anderson?” He asks dumbfoundedly.

Anderson gives him a tight-lipped smile and nods, shushing Joker from bringing up a commotion. Anderson continues to observe his surroundings while Joker sits absolutely still and rigged. Anderson was a well-known C-Sec officer and built a career off of sternness and perfection, two things this office is severely lacking in. Joker can feel the air around the man turn ice cold and Joker’s heart plummets.

Before this very moment, only two things made Joker terrified. The sight of washing machines sent him fidgeting like a tittering school girl (he got shoved in one once, don’t ask how or why, he just did) and the Russian national anthem. He, to this day, will never explain what is so upsetting about the national anthem, just that it makes him extremely nervous. But now there are three things that make him terrified, Captain Anderson’s ice-cold bitch glare taking the third and likely final honor.

“ATTENTION C-SEC 99!” Anderson commands, his bombing voice grabbing everyone’s attention and Joker swears he heard a little girl cry somewhere in the office as a result.

Everyone goes stalk still, Varvara and Garrus drop whatever they had in their hands on the floor in shock, Nihlus peaks out the break room while looking like a kicked puppy, Tali drops her juice on the captain’s freshly vacuumed carpet, and Liara jumps. Anderson looks over the office again, his face filled with disgust.

“Would anyone mind explaining to me what on Earth is happening here?!” He shouts, his voice rising with each word that leaves his mouth.

Each person glances at one another, eyes wide as they wait for someone to finally walk up to the chopping block. When no one else tries to answer the Captain’s question Liara speaks up hesitantly.

“Well, sir, I’m sure they were just trying to prepare for your visit,” Liara states.

Anderson shakes his head in a mix of disappointment and exhaustion. “Liara you were with me all morning. I don’t want excuses or ‘what ifs’ I want facts.”

The atmosphere becomes filled with tension, a thinly stretched line just waiting me snapped. Kaiden gulps and attempts to open his mouth to explain the idiocy of their normal morning routine until Ashley hurls a datapad at his face. He grunts and falls back into his chair. Anderson sends a glare there way and Ashley, the resident ice-cold bitch, smiles.

“I apologize, Captain, Kaiden has a sore throat and I’m just looking out for him, you know? Don’t need him hurting himself with that big fat mouth of his,” She explains, giving a pointed look towards Kaiden’s direction.

Anderson knits her a brow and she continues to smile. “We had no idea you’d be here this morning, our VI is broken and Tali, our tech expert, is out at the moment.”

“I can hear you!” Tali yells from the Captain’s office.

Ashley, sparring Tali little to mind, frowns and fakes a few tears. “Sometimes I can still hear her voice, such a painful thing it is.”

Sighing, Anderson clutches his forehead. He is so very disappointed in the 99 and he’s only been here for about 5 minutes. Honestly, he should be impressed. It takes a lot for him to be disappointed in something upon first meeting and, even then, he likes to give people the benefit of a doubt but this was to much.

“I must say, C-Sec 99, I am dumbfounded at how foolish the lot of you are. I take pride in knowing all of my subordinates and after reading every last file on each person in here, I realize it didn’t do any of you justice and I must say, I am disappointed.” He pauses, his gaze flittering over the sea of man children. His eyes aren’t judging anyone, nor do they look down on any of them. Anderson just seems lost, likely confused about how vast of a difference the fine print is to the actual carbon copy.

The atmosphere shifts into a mix of discomfort and disappointment, everyone knew who Captain Anderson was, and disappointing him was like disappointing one’s father. They’ve only known him for a few minutes and they already felt like children, well, more than they normally did.

Anderson grunts, his gaze steels, and a new found resolve ripples through his being. “But for as,” He pauses contemplating his next few words, “indifferent I am to this mess I still have high expectations in this sector. I know what you are all capable of and I plan to make this the best damn sector on the Citadel. You detectives are good, but I vow to make you better.”

The room falls into a pregnant silence. Everyone a bit stunned by the Captain’s convictions. Nihlus has finally left his secret lair, Tali has crept out from the Captain’s office, and everyone else is standing in full attention for the Captain. Varvara Looks over the small crowd of detectives and smiles.                  

“Nine-Nine!” She shouts, fist raised in the air.

Then Garrus joins in, then Kaiden and Ashley, then Nihlus, and so on. Liara joins to, albeit hesitantly at first, but as the chant continues she becomes more animated in doing so. Once they finish, Anderson is smiling and it’s not forced either. He seems proud, or maybe excited, but he is most certainly ready to whip this sector into shape.

“Nine-Nine!” He adds and everyone cheers.

“Now get back to work, dismissed!”

Everyone nods, filled with conviction from Anderson’s speech, and return to their respective desks. Even Nihlus goes back to his desk, rather than going to crash in the brake room like usual. There’s a few moments of peace that are filled with the sounds of typing and the scratching of pencil on paper until Anderson bellows out a long, anguished, sigh.

“Why is their brown liquid stained into the carpet and do I want to know what it is?”

And from somewhere in the sector Liara groans and Tali cries out in terror.


	2. A Good Challenge

It had been about a week since Anderson officially joined the Nine-Nine and since then, it was quite eventful. Anderson had to give it to the Nine-Nine, they really knew how to get a man to rethink all of his life decisions in the span of 24 hours.

Originally, Anderson planned to wait out his first few weeks in the sector so he could simply observe, and, you know, finish his mountains of paperwork C-Sec oh so graciously gifted him. He still wanted to whip the sector into shape but he would first need to know what his subordinates were like, their strengths, their weaknesses. In the data files, the precinct was amazing and filled with talented individuals. In reality, everyone (besides Liara and maybe Alenko) had the incompetence of a child.

Christ, this sector was going to kill him. In his first week Anderson had witnessed some of the most horrific scenes in his career. Tali got stuck in the vents after Joker payed her 50 credits to, ‘fucking stun gun whatever died up there to Mars.’ Nihlus had three emotional breakdowns in a single day because of one of his Salarian soap operas (yes, they do exist). A detainee almost suffered biotic defenestration, curtesy of Shepard and her poor people skills. Williams drew dicks all over Alenko’s desk and terminal with permanent marker, and Vakarian got stuck in a garbage can while chasing down a suspect (luckily Shepard backed him up).

Needless to say, just a week’s worth of observation was getting Anderson impatient, so he took the initiative.

“Joker, would you come in here for a moment?” Anderson asked from his office’s doorway.

“Sure, thing Captain, what do you need?” Joker replied as he wheeled into the Captain’s office.

Anderson shut the door behind Joker and peaked in between the blinds, checking to see if anyone was watching them. Anderson didn’t want anyone besides Joker knowing of their conversation, he wasn't entirely sure how the Nine-Nine would react if they did. 

Joker, meanwhile, fidgeted in his chair and frowned. This was it, this was where his life ended. He wasn’t terrified of the Captain in general, just his glare, but he'd seen the vids. Anytime the commanding officer brought you into their office in secret something wrong was bound to happen. Joker, albeit 28, was, in his opinion, far to young and handsome to die in Anderson's office.

“So, is this where you tell me I’m a murder suspect and I get dragged out in cuffs? Because, if so, I swear I didn’t do it. It was probably Shepard,” Joker paused, “No it was defiantly Shepard.”

Anderson knit the secretary a brow, “Joker, I brought you in here to ask for your help, not to arrest you,” Anderson’s voice trailed off as he further pondered Joker’s statement, “And why would you blame Shepard for something like murder?”

Joker laughed nervously and dismissed the Captain’s question with the wave of his hand. “No reason!” He yelped, his voice cracking the slightest bit from his frazzled nerves, “Now onto that favor you need!”

Anderson opened his mouth to protest but, in the last week, he’d learned it was better not to question Joker in these situations. He was an expert in derailing conversations faster than it took to piss off Shepard.

Anderson shook his head and sighed, “Joker, as you know, I’ve vowed to make this sector into a well-respected place but, in order to do so, I need to better understand the people in it first.”

Joker cocked his head to the side, “Captain, you already have all our files, why do you even need to ask?”

Anderson huffed, “If I were going off of everyone’s files there wouldn’t be an issue.”

“Ya but!” Joker starts but Anderson shakes his head and he instantly quiets down.

“Joker, the last time I went off your files, I honest to God believed this sector would be the epitome of perfection. Instead I got, as you kids say, a 'dumpster fire,” Anderson stated bluntly.

Joker wanted to protest but after realizing the truth in Anderson’s words he went silent for a few seconds. “We’re not that bad. We're like, a minor toaster oven explosion,” Joker protested weakly from his slumped position.

Anderson rolled his eyes and walked back over to the shut window blinds adjacent from him. He beckoned Joker over with the flick of his wrist and opened the blinds before asking, “Joker, could you tell me what you see here?”

Joker wheeled over and squinted as his gaze fell over the lively bull pin. He mentally cringed at some of his coworkers while attempting to steel his expression from the ever-vigilant Captain. He did not want to admit it to the Captain but they were kind of a dumpster fire, sometimes, or maybe all the time. Joker wasn’t sure and even if he was he didn’t want to give the Captain the satisfaction of knowing.

As he searched the office his gaze landed on Nihlus who, for the past week, hasn’t left his desk or skipped out on his duties. The last time he was this productive was after Ash got him to watch Oprah Winfrey for, at least, an hour (a long story involving divorce and custody that would take Joker ten beers to ever talk about again if he weren’t already passed out). Now, Joker wasn’t sure if it was because he was genuinely inspired by Anderson’s speech or he just didn’t want to get fired. Considering everything that man has been through Joker guessed it was a combination of both.

“I see,” His voice trailed off as he tried to comprehend what he was witnessing, “Nihlus attempting to lick something off his foot?” Joker leaned back from the blinds and shrugged, “I don’t get how this is proving your point Captain.”

Anderson rolled his eyes, “Joker, it’s stuff like this that gives the Nine-Nine a bad name. If I could just understand you people, then maybe I could help fix this mess of incompetence and lack of maturity,” Anderson explained in frustration.

Joker nodded, “I see, so you want to blackmail us you mean?”

Anderson stared at the man in a brief moment of disbelief. He blinked a few times, trying to comprehend why Joker would say such a thing. “Joker,” Anderson began, feeling like a broken record, “How does ‘blackmailing people’ and ‘wanting to understand people’ have anything to do with one another?!”

Joker shrugged, “I don’t know Captain, you tell me. You’re the one who said you wanted to blackmail us.”

Anderson groaned, realizing how futile it was to argue with someone like Joker. “Just do your damn job and help me figure out you people, please.”

Joker smiled, “Sure thing Captain.”

Anderson mentally shook himself, this man was going to give him an ulcer.

Joker waved Anderson over to the office's entrance and opened the door, the Nine-Nine coming into full view. “So,” Joker began excitedly, “As the Nine-Nine’s central gossip hub I know just about everything on everyone, for example…”

Joker trailed off as he rubbed his hand over his not so quite their beard in contemplation. After finding his target, who happened to be Liara, Joker's features lit up and his hand slapped to his lap. “Liara has a secret Drell kink.”

Anderson glanced over to the unsuspecting Liara and pursed his lips. “Joker, do I even want to know how you got this information?”

“No, you do not sir,” Joker smirks, “No. You. Do. Not.”

Anderson cleared his throat out of discomfort, unsure of what to do about this ‘information.’ Maybe he shouldn’t have asked Joker for his help. Then again, this was kind of his job.

“How about we not get that personal and just some general information,” Anderson offered.

Joker sized Anderson up and frowned, “Damn, and here I thought I’d get to tell you about Shepard’s Power Ranger collection.”

“Wait wha-.”

“ANYWAYS!” Joker announced, promptly cutting Anderson off. Anderson looked at him with an expression of contempt but Joker ignored it and smiled. Joker never got to share gossip like this without being kicked, murdered, blackmailed, threatened, or worse, being forced to talk to Nihlus. The very thought sent shivers down his spine.

“Let’s start with Ashley, our resident xenophobe!”

Anderson gave Joker a look of concern, “You act like this is a good thing?”

Joker chortled, “Well, not really, we just have very creative ways of stopping her from being a dick,” Joker pointed to a small jar on the corner of Ash’s desk and smirked, “That’s the Xenojar, any time Ash does anything remotely Xenophobic we put a credit in it.”      

Anderson squinted and the jar and made a face of disgust, “It’s almost full, what are you guys going to do when it’s filled?”

“Well, we’re still trying to figure that out. Shepard opted to fill a sock up with the credits and beat Ash with it, which we ruled out immediately because we don’t want to go to jail. Kaiden said we should donate it, Garrus wants to buy a new refrigerator for the office, and Tali begged us to consider getting a new VI,” Joker explained quickly.

“Why does Vakarian want a new fridge? The current one is fine.”

“You’re right, he just wants more space for his weird yogurts,” Joker leaned in close and whispered, “I think he’s hiding some drugs in there too, last time I tried one I went on a major acid trip.”

From his desk Garrus groaned and swiveled his office chair in Joker’s direction. His mandibles elicit a sharp click as they snapped to his face in annoyance. “Joker, for the fiftieth time, they were dextro-friendly yogurts that you can’t eat. That ‘acid trip’ you’re referencing was an allergic reaction and the extra fridge would be for dextro only foods,” Garrus supplied with a bitter expression.

Joker pursed his lips and regarded the Turian with a defiant look, “Suspicious.”

“It’s really not,” Garrus sighed and turned his attention over to the captain. “Sorry Captain I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your guy’s conversation,” Garrus taped the side of his head, motioning to his ear,  
“Apex predator hearing.”

“Don’t worry about it Vakarian, just continue working,” Anderson replied calmly. Garrus nodded, sending one last glare in Joker’s direction before returning to his desk to chat with Shepard.

Joker sneered at Garrus’ back and then turned his attention back to Williams. Garrus always rubbed him the wrong way but Joker will be damned if he didn’t at least admit the guy was somewhat funny. Besides, anyone who could get Shepard to genuinely laugh while also being her own worst enemy deserved some respect.           

“So back to Ashley, her xenophobic-ness doesn’t get in the way of work, she’s also a sarcastic ass who is surprisingly good at knitting. And! She runs a small yoga class with her sisters on the Presidium.”

Anderson nodded. He was a bit upset about Ashley and seriously hoped the Nine-Nine was over exaggerating the whole xenophobe thing. Regardless, Anderson was going to talk to her about it later. Besides that, and her clear hate for Alenko, Anderson was pleased with what he heard.

Just as he was thinking that Alenko entered the office with a couple dozen donuts and coffee in hand. A smile crept onto Anderson’s face as the office greeted Alenko with vigor, himself included. Every Friday, Alenko would come in with breakfast for the office. It was clear by the enlightened atmosphere and the all-around cheer that Alenko was the office mom.

Nihlus came over to relieve Alenko of his burden and quickly scurried off to the break room to prepare the food. Alenko heaved out a sigh of relief and walked over to his and his partner’s joint desk, Williams having left after Alenko made his gracious appearance. Alenko haphazardly threw his keys and badge onto the desk so he could open his drawer, only to find shaving cream and what Anderson would assume to be man hair overflowing inside.

Joker cackled manically and Alenko huffed, this seeming to be an often occurrence. Anderson, before he could offer his help, watched as Alenko bolted off towards the copying machine. In the distance, Anderson could hear the screams and cries of Williams as she booked it from the copier and into the break room, the door slamming shut behind her.

Alenko, in close pursuit, stopped in front of the door and growled. It was an unspoken rule that there were to be no fights in the break room and Alenko wasn't the kind of guy to tempt fate so he moped off back towards his desk.        

Alright, so maybe Williams would be a bigger issue than Anderson originally suspected. Anderson sighed and shot a glance towards Joker, motioning him to continue his explanation.

“Alright so that’s about all for Ashley, now for Kaiden. He’s the office mom, clearly, and a biotic. He also, might I add, has the biggest crush on Shepard,” Joker snorts humorously and mutters, “He thinks everyone’s clueless but we all know, even Shepard.”

“And does this interfere with work?” Anderson questioned worriedly.

Joker shrugged in a nonchalant manner, “I mean unless making a major fool of himself counts as an interference than you’ve got nothing to worry about Captain.”

Anderson nodded pleased, “Good to hear.”

“He also really likes fondue and the Beach Boys,” Joker adds quickly.

Anderson knitted him a brow, a bit perturbed by the new information. Now at least Alenko didn’t seem like a major concern though, in all honestly, he didn’t need Joker to explain that to him. In his first week Alenko seemed to be the only sane person in the office, besides Liara.

“And then there’s Nihlus,” Joker pointed in the direction of the offending Turian and cringed. “I’ve chosen not to touch that man with a ten-foot pole so I can’t tell you much besides the fact that he is the most disgusting thing on two legs.”

“And why is that?”

“He’s diabolical Captain, Nihlus is the kind of guy who pours his milk into the bowl before the cereal,” Joker flailed his hands in the air and frowned, “I mean, who does that?!”

Anderson, completely unphased by the man’s uproar, replied, “So you despise a single man because of how he chooses to prepare cereal?”

“Precisely.”

Anderson huffed, “Well you are missing out, if you’d taken the time to get to know the man then maybe you’d have found out about him being a retired Spectre.”

Joker stared at him in astonishment and then to Nihlus. He kept looking between the two so fast Anderson worried the man would give himself whiplash until Joker sighed. “I’m just going to ignore what you just said for the sake of my heart and continue.”

Composing himself, Joker, true to his word, continued on with his explanation for the remaining detectives in the office. He was pretty brief with Liara and Tali, Liara being the sector’s best detective and info broker while Tali was the tech expert/intern. Apparently Quarian relations were so bad that the Council decided giving more job opportunities would fix everything real damn quick. Other than that, and Tali being Joker’s ‘evil minion,’ there wasn’t much Anderson didn’t already know. His week of observation wasn’t completely useless, apparently.

“And then there is Garrus and Shepard,” Joker began, having waited for the two to leave the office before dropping his explanation.

Anderson was pretty curious about the two. Having read their files, Anderson realized the pair had some of the best partner work he’s ever seen in his career. This was no small feat and in spite of their attitudes he was still quite impressed. Besides, Anderson liked getting to know his subordinates even in such roundabout ways.

“So Garrus is the brains in their partnership and Shepard is the brawns. Little to anyone’s surprise Shepard has pretty poor people’s skills while Garrus could talk your ear off and, if that doesn’t work, he’ll beat you with the stick he’s got shoved up his ass,” Joker stated.

“So, they complement each other well is what you’re saying?”

Joker visibly deflated and nodded, “Well, simply put yah,” Joker paused looking for something else to say, “They bicker a lot, if you haven’t noticed, but they are pretty good friends, and roommates.”

For once, Anderson’s expression went from completely and utterly calm to shocked, “Roommates?”

“Yah, Garrus has loads of debt for some reason or other and Varvara just left the Alliance so she didn’t have any money saved up for a place to live so, ‘bodda bing bodda boom,’ roommates.”

“I see.”

“So anyways, Garrus is in a constant state of agony thanks to Varvara, and Varvara was in the Alliance for ten years, even graduated from that N7 thingy.”

Completely ignoring Garrus’ agony thing, he knit Joker a brow and asked, “How do you know about Varvara and her Alliance service, that isn’t something people spread around lightly.”

“Me and Shepard go way back, like hormonal acne prone teens back,” Joker grinned, excited to retell this life changing story, “You see, we were at McDonalds and I was working part time when she ordered a whopp-“

“Joker please make this quick, we still have work to do,” Anderson stated, cutting Joker off.

Rolling his eyes Joker sighed, “We’re step siblings.”

Anderson nodded and for the first time today smiled, “Thank you Joker, this was… helpful.”

Joker laughed. He wasn't entirely sure how this long ass explanation was helpful for the Captain but the guy seemed nice albeit a bit uptight. Their previous Captain was kind of an ignorant dick, knowing they’ve got someone trustworthy in charge now was comforting. Joker leaned back in his chair and fidgeted with his pants.

“So, are you going to tell me anything about yourself?” Anderson asked casually.

Joker grinned, laughing at the man’s cluelessness. “Of course not, I’ve got keep some stuff secret you know, adds to my deep dark backstory.”

“Joker, you are well aware C-Sec has conformed a extensive background file on you, similar to everyone else's in the sector, correct?”

“Oh Captain,” Joker began as he stretched to pat the man on the shoulder, “they don’t even know the half of it, besides if you do start blackmailing us I have to protect myself somehow.”

Anderson frowned. Joker was something else but he was also smart. His files portrayed a competent young man who was a hard worker and Anderson did not doubt that for a second. However, meeting the man in the flesh and witnessing his obscene mannerisms added an extra layer to this amazing individual, similar to the rest of the precinct. Alright, so maybe Anderson was over over exaggerating with the whole dumpster fire thing, but that didn't lessen his resolve in so;ving the while man child issue that was deeply rooted in the precinct.

Anderson was pulled away from his thoughts when Joker caught his attention.

“By the way, I wanted to thank you. Our last Captain was pretty shit but you’re not half bad,” Joker stated with a type of confidence that made Anderson smile.

“I’m only doing my job but the sentiment is appreciated, Joker.”       

“Yah well, I’m going to leave before this gets emotional, I’m not mentally prepared for that.”

And with that Joker aggressively wheeled himself into the break room, nearly running over Nihlus’ toes, though Anderson couldn't help but feel it was on purpose.

Before leaving for his office Anderson’s gaze fell over the office and smiled. These people were going to be difficult to work with but Anderson couldn’t help the excitement rising up inside him for the days to come.

He always liked a good challenge.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, I forgot to post this even though it's been sitting in my documents for a week. Regardless thank you for reading!


	3. Morning Routine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I PROMISE I HAVEN'T ABANDONED THIS FIC AYE!

Varvara woke with a start, her mood already plummeting the moment she heard her noisy roommate. The sound of a Turian snoring was worse than nails against a chalkboard and louder than a fucking gun going off next to one’s ear. She moaned, the only upside to living with Garrus was that she didn’t need to buy an alarm clock and nothing more.

Rolling around in her bed Varvara finally got enough strength to plant her feet on the ugly carpeted flooring of her and Garrus’ Citadel apartment and stand. She cracked her back with a satisfying ‘pop’ noise along with her neck as she stalked over to the left side of her room. With a swift kick to the poor wall Varvara opened her mouth and screamed, “GET THE FUCK UP YOU CHICKEN SHIT!”

In moments she could hear the sound of her roommate flailing his long-armored limbs in shock before falling onto the floor. The apartment shook in protest to the full grown Turian’s weight slamming down onto it and Varvara counted her lucky stars that they don’t have any neighbors bellow them, as far she’s aware.

Pleased with her work, Varvara moved over to her dresser and rummaged through her drawers, searching for something to wear. Before she could even pull out a shirt her door slammed open to a very pissed off and slightly naked Turian. Another upside to living with a Turian roommate, modesty wasn’t needed. They aren’t embarrassed of their bodies or anything, nor were they remotely attracted to the other’s so Garrus walking around in the living room with just his boxers on and Varvara chilling out in her bra and underwear wasn’t uncommon.

So, yah seeing one another in their underwear was the last thing that would ruin Varvara’s morning. In spite of Garrus’ clear seething anger all she did was spare him a glance and mutter a quiet, “Good morning.” Garrus just stared at her in silence, his mandibles clicking aggressively against his features.

Realizing Varvara was by no means interested in apologizing Garrus muttered, “get fucked,” before storming off back into his room. Varvara smiled as she laid out her outfit for the day. Garrus was always cranky in the mornings no matter how she woke him up. Varvara found it hilarious, to think her morning entertainment would come from an overly cranky Turian.

After dressing herself into a polka-dot blouse and skinny jeans Varvara left her room to go search for shoes. She usually enjoyed wearing skirts but today she felt like changing things up a little bit. The apartment was relatively small, it was two rooms, a bathroom, and a tiny kitchen that opened up into their living room. At the counter that cut the kitchen off from the living room Garrus sat eating a nutrient bar in large clunky looking blue armor. Varvara frowned, Turian fashion was so weird to her. They either wore armor or weird draped fabric across their plates. She and Garrus talked about it once, and when Varvara asked if that was all they wore fashion wise Garrus gave her a funny look like his translator had just stopped working.

She stopped at the front door, and crouched down to look through her plethora of shoes and Garrus’ other weird Turian things. Since leaving the military Varvara finally got to wear things that weren’t camouflage or the skin tight armor most sentinels were forced to wear and she was basking in it, maybe a little too much. She chucked out a few random pairs of shoes from the shoe rack and onto the floor while Garrus watched her with his usual sad look.                       

He shook his head and sighed. “I’ll never understand your infatuation with shoes,” Garrus stated sadly as he dodged a stray heel flying in his direction. In reply, Varvara held up a nice jet black high heel and pointed at the sharp polished heel. “You see this Garrus?” She asked with a sinister grin. Garrus, deciding to go along with Varvara’s weird charade, nodded. “I could kill a man with this,” She stated plainly before pointing at the rest of her shoes with a far to giddy expression for it being so early in the morning. “Look at all my mini fashionable weapons!”

Groaning, Garrus got up, grabbed his and Varvara’s keys and made his way to the apartment’s door. “Come on, we’re going to be late if you keep this up,” Garrus said as he practically dragged Varvara out of their apartment. Last minute, Varvara snatched a pair of pure white flats and scrambled to slip them on before shutting the door.

After 10 minutes of arguing, bickering, and grabbing some breakfast the two hopped into a skycar and made their way to the office. Garrus was driving with one three taloned hand stuck on the steering wheel while the other held his nice hot coffee. At his side, Varvara chowed down on a breakfast sandwich while taking a few sips of her strawberry smoothie. Garrus could never understand human foods, no matter how long he stared at them. Why did they drink pink chunky liquids? It made absolutely no sense to him.

“I still think you should have let me drive,” Varvara mentioned in between bites of her sandwich.

Garrus roleed his eyes as he made a turn down a busy street. “Varvara, last time I let you drive you got road rage so bad you nearly biotically charged some poor hanar.”

“Oh, come on Garrus!” Varvara complained while throwing her arms up in the air in distaste. “The space jelly had it coming! It didn’t have its turning signal on!”

“Doesn’t matter, I’d prefer not getting into a car crash at 7 in the morning,” Garrus retorted.        

Varvara huffed in annoyance as she leaned back in her seat, crossing her arms over her chest with a pout on her face. They fell into a moment of silence until Varvara got this silly grin on her face. Garrus’ mandibles went slack as he asked, “What?”

He instantly regretted asking when Varvara leaned forward and flipped on the radio. Garrus sighed, he despised Varvara’s taste in music. It was all human rock and what she said were the ‘classics.’ He couldn't understand them, and his translator never seemed to get them right.

“If I hear Highway to Hell one more time I am going to crash this car,” Garrus stated through clenched teeth.

Varvara groaned in protest as she said, “I wasn’t going to you, giant chicken!”

“I don’t even know what a chicken is Varvara!” Garrus shouted back.

After a few minutes of fiddling and tampering Varvara leaned back in her seat and smiled triumphantly. Garrus frowned, nothing good ever came from Shepard smiling. He waited a few seconds, anticipating the worst until a familiar tune started up through the car’s stereo. As they reached a stop light Garrus looked in disbelief between the radio and a very smug looking Varvara.

It was ‘Bang Bang Boom’ playing.

He was shocked at first, last he checked he never told Varvara his music preferences and if her smug expression said anything, it’s that she didn’t play his favorite song by chance. He tapped the steering wheel for a moment and snarled in contempt.

“You looked through my visor, didn’t you?”

At his side, Varvara let out a maniacal giggle. “Perhaps,” She stated with a coy look. Garrus let out a deep sigh, damn her. He should be absolutely pissed right now but the upbeat music in the background was really putting him off and this _was_ his favorite song.

When Garrus didn’t say anything after a while Varvara gave and tried to explain herself. “I was getting bored of no music in the car!” She started vehemently, waiting to see if she had gotten Garrus’ attention. When he glanced in her direction she continued. “So, I took a quick peek at your visor, alright?”

“You could have asked,” He replied.

“You wouldn’t have answered,” She retorted.

And Varvara was right, he probably wouldn't have. Not to be rude or anything but, knowing her, Varvara would probably hate it and rather than play it in the car she would make fun of it. constantly. Still, Garrus was a bit peeved Varvara was able to look through his visor without being caught. Then again, she was a sentinel. Being sneaky was her best skill.

They sat without a word as the song started becoming more energetic and upbeat. Subconsciously. Garrus tapped his finger in tandem with the beat and Varvara hummed along with the bass. He raised her a brow plate, a little surprised to see her getting carried away with the song.

“What?” She asked, and Garrus just gave her a knowing smile. “Fine! I like it god dammit!” She complained, throwing her hands in the air in exasperation. Garrus tried his best not to laugh because he really wanted to be angry but he just couldn’t anymore. Knowing Varvara actually enjoyed his music was a win in Garrus' book.

From his side, Garrus could still hear Varvara grunting in displeasure as she stewed in her own irritation. For as funny as it was to see her this way, he knew the office would be hell today if she stayed an irritated mess. As the song came to an end, Garrus glanced to Varvara and said, “I’m not making fun of you for liking it. It’s a pretty good song actually.”

With a sigh Varvara smoothed her messy black locks back from her face and said, “Correction, it’s a pretty fucking awesome song, but that’s not the point. Now I have to live with knowing I’ve given you the satisfaction of enjoying something you like.”

“And that’s a bad thing because?”

Varvara finally looked at Garrus with a glare and huffed, “Because it is!”

Garrus pulled into the precinct’s parking lot and yanked the keys from the ignition. Garrus, now able to give Varvara his full attention, turned and gave her a pointed look.

“Bitch,” Garrus said, the word lacking any and all venom.

“Chicken shit,” Varvara retorted immediately.

They paused, look at one another, and dissolve into a fit of laughter at their own stupidity. Their mornings often times ended like this, with the two throwing some random profanity at the other in a childish fit of rage. If there was one thing Garrus could be thankful for, it was that cursing seemed to always lighten Varvara’s mood, making his day at least five times easier.

Composing herself, Varvara gathered up all their trash in a plastic bag and casually bumps Garrus’ shoulder with her fist. “Alright, let’s get going before Liara lectures us for being late again,” Varvara said as she stepped out of the skycar.

Garrus did the same, but huffed in annoyance. “And who’s fault was that last time?”

Chucking the small trash bag into the nearby trash bin, Varvara looked Garrus dead in the eye and stated with an unbelievable amount of confidence, “The fucking space jelly.”

And, not leaving any room for an argument, Varvara bolted towards the elevator and didn’t waste anytime pushing the button for the Nine-Nine’s office. After realizing Varvara clicked the button Garrus’ eyes went wide before he bolted towards the elevator, barely making it in before the doors glided shut. The ride was silent and Garrus glared at Varvara as she grinned all the while until they made it to the top floor.

It was official, Varvara was going to be the death of Garrus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I had almost all of this finished, forgot about it, and then went back and finished it in 15 minutes during the morning. Like I gotta get my shit together because this fic is my babe. Anyways, I've already got idea for the next two chapters but I am making it a point to have them relatively shorter because I don't have the brain capacity. But if any of you guys have any ideas don't be afraid to leave them in the comments, I've finished B99 so finding inspiration is lil difficult without going back and re-watching the show (I don't got time tho). BUT YES THANKS FOR READING!!!

**Author's Note:**

> You made it this far, so thanks for reading! (This was 9 pages of bullshitting please kill me :) )


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